Trying to conceive. Whether it’s your 1st baby or your second or third…..it still hurts.

The pain of trying to conceive number 1…2 or 3

The idea for this blog came to me just this morning. I was thinking about one of my current fertility coaching clients, who is trying to conceive her second baby. It struck me how her need and desire for another child is as all consuming, challenging and painful as a woman struggling to conceive for the first time. I then started thinking about my own fertility journey. I’ve not shared this with you before and I thought that maybe now is the time. However first, lets go back to Suzie my fertility coaching client who is trying to conceive. Suzie already has Rosy, beautiful 3 year old whose bouncing blonde curls are the apple of Suzie’s eye. However more than anything she wants a sibling for Rosy and she would sell her soul if she could ensure that Rosy didn’t grow up alone. Suzie has been trying to conceive again for awhile now. She has recently had a failed cycle of IVF and our coaching sessions are all about regaining her positivity and confidence before the next cycle. We’ve got along way to go, but Suzie is making good progress and beginning to find that she can put in to practice some of the coping mechanisms I have taught her. What I have learned from Suzie is that we should never assume that because she has one child her desire to have another one is less than a woman who is yet to conceive. It’s just that her desire is different. So, here’s my journey…… I have two wonderful boys and I know how very lucky I am. However as a little girl playing with my dolls, I always dreamed that I would have a daughter. A little shadow in the kitchen when I’m baking, the girly shopping trips, the mother daughter chats and later the wedding day. Having lost my own mother to Breast Cancer at a very young age, I guess I have always had a longing to recreate that mother-daughter bond. When I was 32 and Archie my youngest son was 8 months old, I started to not feel so great. I felt stressed all the time and was finding it hard to sleep. My skin became really dry and my body ached. In a matter of days Archie stopped wanting to breast feed and I couldn’t really understand why. While all this was going on, my husband was out of the country for 3 months with work. So looking back I was in a pretty bad way. Because of how I felt physically and the fact that my periods that had recently returned after having Archie, had suddenly completely stopped; I made an appointment to see my doctor. Blood tests and a scan later I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. The irony of this happening to a woman who had dedicated her career to women’s health and especially fertility (as well as dabbling in menopause for awhile) was not lost on me. Suddenly, my husband and I were faced with the reality that we couldn’t have any more children or if we did we would need an awful lot of assistance and most likely egg donation. We made the decision not to pursue this and started the process of trying to come to terms with not having another child and most devastating for me, not having the daughter I dreamed of all those years ago. Looking back, perhaps we made the decision a bit too quickly. Maybe we should have looked in to our options a bit more. I would have considered adoption however it is not something my husband felt he could do. I so wish that I had known about Fertility Coaching then. I would have actively sort out a coach to help me come to terms with my diagnosis and help me find resolution. So, 10 years later where are we now? Well, the longing is much less but will never completely go away. I love my boys more than I could ever put in to words and they are the apple of my eye. I enjoy my niece and goddaughter and frequently wish I lived nearer to see more of them. My oldest son is now 12 and I can’t wait for him to bring girlfriends home - much to his acute embarrassment! I am yet to coach my first fertility client on reaching a sense of purpose and resolution at the end of their fertility journey but I’m looking forward to the challenge, as I know I have a lot to give. Next time, you come across a woman trying to conceive for the second or third time don’t judge and think ‘She’s lucky to have one already’. Just take a few moments to remember that her longing is different but just as painful as yours. I’d love to hear your thoughts on my blog, so please do leave me a comment. Bye for now Kate x